Go Forth......

Lech Lecha – Go forth. In Genesis 12:1-17:27, God tells Abraham “Lech Lecha…go forth to the land that I will show you….” He instructs Abraham to leave everyone and everything he has come to know and to trust that he will be taken care of – that God will be with him.

Four years ago today, Steven Gainsboro was diagnosed with a glioblastoma multiforme IV. I had never heard of this before (well, I actually had in my late 20’s when my beloved Uncle Eddie was diagnosed with the same disease) and Steven and I needed time to digest all the information we were receiving. We could do one of two things, stand immobilized by this news or go forth to a land unknown to us both. We chose to go forth for where else could we go? We also knew that, like Abraham, God, as well as many of our family members and friends,  would be with us providing comfort, guidance and support. There was much to learn over those first few days as we put one foot in front of the other. Our most valuable lessons were that life comes at you fast, each day is a gift that must be unwrapped and treasured, and to keep going!

Life is funny, isn’t it (not always in a ha, ha kind of way)? We believe we are on one path when suddenly the path veers off to the left or right taking us to places unimaginable. Sometimes that place does not fulfill the hopes we had dreamed but there are lessons to be learned while there. God is with me now as I go forth as a widow raising two children by myself (I do not refer to myself as a single parent but as an only parent). Some moments are certainly more difficult than others and there isn't a moment that goes by when I do not miss my Steven. Some days are filled with tears while others are, more often than not, filled with laughter and joy. Each day no matter the emotions seeping out are always filled with gratitude, always! I am going forth through unchartered waters which is sometimes scary and exciting at the same time. My new path has brought me new friends while maintaining those relationships cultivated before Steven’s passing, a brief romantic relationship, various jobs, unemployment (by choice), volunteer opportunities which continue to ignite my passion to help others, as well as recently applying to UNCC to obtain a bachelor’s degree in social work (my desire to be a therapist began during my high school years – no surprise to some –and I am excited to know that it may finally be realized). Lech Lecha – go forth. The road is not always easy but change is inevitable and vital to our personal growth. I am moving forward which is not to be confused with moving on. I hope you, too, when presented with life’s challenges will go forth to a land that will be shown to you. You may find that it is not the direction you anticipated traveling but the destination may very well be exactly where you are supposed to be. Trust that you are not journeying alone. 

Patience Grasshopper.....You can't push the river

I said these words to a dear friend recently and it was then suggested that I use them as my next blog title. Patience is not always easy to come by (neither are grasshoppers but that’s a whole different topic) in our fast paced society.

I always thought of myself as a patient woman but looking back I wonder and I think of the line Billy Crystal spoke near the end of When Harry Met Sally. “When you realize that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” When I met Steven Gainsboro I knew he was “the one”….there are no words that can describe that knowing, you just know. No matter how much I wanted to move things along (and start the rest of my life, asap )the relationship needed time, Steven needed time, to grow and blossom. When we knew we were ready to start a family it was hard to be patient and wait for that first baby to be conceived and born, but the time had to be right and it certainly was. When I was eager to move to Charlotte I wanted to just pack up and move…..but that, too, took time.  I learned the ultimate lesson of patience when Steven was diagnosed with an incurable brain tumor. Waiting for the diagnosis, waiting through two surgeries, waiting for him to recover from those surgeries (which he did at record speed!), waiting to learn of treatment options, waiting for MRI results, waiting, waiting, waiting. Patience took on a new meaning in my life as Steven had difficulty speaking at times—sharing his thoughts and words, patience as he would move more slowly, patience as he would sometimes makes requests that were not easily understood or did not make sense to us. I learned to be that patient caregiver because when you love someone that deeply you will wait forever to figure out what they need and then, when possible,  provide it for them.  I learned patience from the man with whom I took sacred vows and I learned patience from deep inside my soul but sometimes….sometimes I forget to be patient…….

We live in an immediate gratification “I want what I want when I want it” world. So, as you read this entry I ask that you stop and take a deep breath – in through your nose and out through your mouth. Relax, release, let it all go. We have all heard the old adage “good things come to those who wait” and I for one believe that to be true. I, too, can be guilty of pushing the river – in a hurry to see what the next chapter of my life will look like. But by doing so I, all of us, are missing the beauty of each day that passes us by. With each experience (the bad and the good) comes a new lesson. We must learn those lessons before we can advance forward and if we don’t learn the lesson(s), we will continue to have similar experiences time and again. So, have patience and know that the river flows at its own pace in the direction for which it is intended much like our lives. The answers to our questions may not be readily at hand so just have faith that it will all become clear at precisely the moment it is meant to. I have learned so much over the past few years, and know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this very moment. So sweet river of life, take your time….it’s all good!