Go Forth......

Lech Lecha – Go forth. In Genesis 12:1-17:27, God tells Abraham “Lech Lecha…go forth to the land that I will show you….” He instructs Abraham to leave everyone and everything he has come to know and to trust that he will be taken care of – that God will be with him.

Four years ago today, Steven Gainsboro was diagnosed with a glioblastoma multiforme IV. I had never heard of this before (well, I actually had in my late 20’s when my beloved Uncle Eddie was diagnosed with the same disease) and Steven and I needed time to digest all the information we were receiving. We could do one of two things, stand immobilized by this news or go forth to a land unknown to us both. We chose to go forth for where else could we go? We also knew that, like Abraham, God, as well as many of our family members and friends,  would be with us providing comfort, guidance and support. There was much to learn over those first few days as we put one foot in front of the other. Our most valuable lessons were that life comes at you fast, each day is a gift that must be unwrapped and treasured, and to keep going!

Life is funny, isn’t it (not always in a ha, ha kind of way)? We believe we are on one path when suddenly the path veers off to the left or right taking us to places unimaginable. Sometimes that place does not fulfill the hopes we had dreamed but there are lessons to be learned while there. God is with me now as I go forth as a widow raising two children by myself (I do not refer to myself as a single parent but as an only parent). Some moments are certainly more difficult than others and there isn't a moment that goes by when I do not miss my Steven. Some days are filled with tears while others are, more often than not, filled with laughter and joy. Each day no matter the emotions seeping out are always filled with gratitude, always! I am going forth through unchartered waters which is sometimes scary and exciting at the same time. My new path has brought me new friends while maintaining those relationships cultivated before Steven’s passing, a brief romantic relationship, various jobs, unemployment (by choice), volunteer opportunities which continue to ignite my passion to help others, as well as recently applying to UNCC to obtain a bachelor’s degree in social work (my desire to be a therapist began during my high school years – no surprise to some –and I am excited to know that it may finally be realized). Lech Lecha – go forth. The road is not always easy but change is inevitable and vital to our personal growth. I am moving forward which is not to be confused with moving on. I hope you, too, when presented with life’s challenges will go forth to a land that will be shown to you. You may find that it is not the direction you anticipated traveling but the destination may very well be exactly where you are supposed to be. Trust that you are not journeying alone. 

Patience Grasshopper.....You can't push the river

I said these words to a dear friend recently and it was then suggested that I use them as my next blog title. Patience is not always easy to come by (neither are grasshoppers but that’s a whole different topic) in our fast paced society.

I always thought of myself as a patient woman but looking back I wonder and I think of the line Billy Crystal spoke near the end of When Harry Met Sally. “When you realize that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” When I met Steven Gainsboro I knew he was “the one”….there are no words that can describe that knowing, you just know. No matter how much I wanted to move things along (and start the rest of my life, asap )the relationship needed time, Steven needed time, to grow and blossom. When we knew we were ready to start a family it was hard to be patient and wait for that first baby to be conceived and born, but the time had to be right and it certainly was. When I was eager to move to Charlotte I wanted to just pack up and move…..but that, too, took time.  I learned the ultimate lesson of patience when Steven was diagnosed with an incurable brain tumor. Waiting for the diagnosis, waiting through two surgeries, waiting for him to recover from those surgeries (which he did at record speed!), waiting to learn of treatment options, waiting for MRI results, waiting, waiting, waiting. Patience took on a new meaning in my life as Steven had difficulty speaking at times—sharing his thoughts and words, patience as he would move more slowly, patience as he would sometimes makes requests that were not easily understood or did not make sense to us. I learned to be that patient caregiver because when you love someone that deeply you will wait forever to figure out what they need and then, when possible,  provide it for them.  I learned patience from the man with whom I took sacred vows and I learned patience from deep inside my soul but sometimes….sometimes I forget to be patient…….

We live in an immediate gratification “I want what I want when I want it” world. So, as you read this entry I ask that you stop and take a deep breath – in through your nose and out through your mouth. Relax, release, let it all go. We have all heard the old adage “good things come to those who wait” and I for one believe that to be true. I, too, can be guilty of pushing the river – in a hurry to see what the next chapter of my life will look like. But by doing so I, all of us, are missing the beauty of each day that passes us by. With each experience (the bad and the good) comes a new lesson. We must learn those lessons before we can advance forward and if we don’t learn the lesson(s), we will continue to have similar experiences time and again. So, have patience and know that the river flows at its own pace in the direction for which it is intended much like our lives. The answers to our questions may not be readily at hand so just have faith that it will all become clear at precisely the moment it is meant to. I have learned so much over the past few years, and know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this very moment. So sweet river of life, take your time….it’s all good!

My Bags are Packed......

My bags are packed and I’m ready to go….well, my metaphorical  bags anyway.

We all have our own baggage and bring that baggage with us into various relationships – friendships, romances, work, and family. I know that there are those in the widow community who find the word “baggage” to be a negative connotation. I disagree. I like my baggage and am honored to lug it around with me wherever I  travel. In my bag you will find cherished memories, strength, pride, determination, joy, gratitude and hope. My baggage is packed with all that I have experienced  and  without which  I would not be who I am today. We all have a choice as to how we want to lead our lives after having been through traumatic experiences. We can rise above it all and embrace the beauty around us – the beauty of our families, the beauty of our friends and the beauty of new and enriching experiences others  may provide. While I do believe in destiny, I know that everyone has a choice in how they want to live, really live. So don’t be afraid to unpack your bags because the people in your life who truly care about you will treasure the contents as much as you do. Feel free to rummage through my baggage – I believe you will like what you find there. I know I do!

I am widow hear me roar!!!!

Two years ago this past week (12/11) I became a widow. Oh, the things I have learned and continue to learn on this journey. I have learned that the first year was a bit of a fog and all the grief was expected so I embraced it. The second year I became a bit confused as to how to grieve. Wasn’t I supposed to be feeling better? Didn’t the fog lift? I got lost the second year in many things. As I enter my third year, things are becoming clearer to me. I know who I am and what I want. I know where I am going as I move forward another year without Steven.  I also know what I have always known -- that each day is a gift not to be squandered. I have two beautiful children – my two greatest and treasured gifts. They reflect the love that Steven and I shared.

The dictionary defines the word Widow as “A woman whose spouse has died and who has not remarried”.

Pretty simple and to the point. There are some who grimace at the label “widow”, some who are uncomfortable being called  a widow or referring to someone else as a widow. When asked if I am married and I respond with “I am a widow”, people are shocked and sometimes uncomfortable. Yes, I am a woman whose spouse has died and  has not remarried. I am a widow, but that word does not in and of itself define who I am or any of the other widows (and widowers) living our lives without the one person with whom we vowed to spend our lives  – in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, til death us do part (who knew I would actually be tested to live out those vows so early).  Me? I wear my label proudly, as a badge of honor if you will. I cared for my husband for 22 months as he fought valiantly every day to slay the beast that had permeated his brain. There is no greater honor than to care for someone you love so deeply. Words can never truly convey the depth of that love. Widow….add an N in there and you get window.  We can see many things through a window but  sometimes it depends on the direction in which you are looking – are you looking in or looking out. Looking inside the window of someone else’s home doesn’t really tell you anything about their lives…you may see a family dining together, watching  television or you may see one person perched on a chair reading a book. We can make up many stories about those people. I wonder what stories they may conjure up about me while gazing into my window. A seemingly happy woman, taking care of her children, sipping on a cup of tea while working on the crossword puzzle. What they cannot see is the window to my soul or heart. The heart and soul of a widow. I am widow hear me roar – sometimes that roar is as quiet as a kitten mewing while at other times that roar is primal and can sound like the lion in the jungle. I roar because I am proud of all I have accomplished over these last two years, I roar because I am bereft to be living without the love of my life, I roar because I was blessed for nearly 20 years to be loved so deeply and so unconditionally by the bravest man I have ever known and I roar because I know from the depths of my soul that I am going to be okay – that I am okay! What I see as I gaze out my own window are people who care about my family. I see outstretched arms ready to hug me whether in comfort or gratitude. As I peer inside the window of my life, I see beautiful memories already made and new memories being created. My window  brings a smile to my face and warms my heart. I love my window – looking inside at my soul and outside at my world.